"Gladys & Edith"

If "dumb" was a hair color, it wouldn't just come in blonde.

Some of the most brunette and redheaded people in the world act as if they possess blonde roots. If love is part of the connection to such a person, their actions are mercifully explained as, "innocence." There is nothing wrong with being, "child-like." The Lord said so in His Book. Some folks remain child-like all their lives. These are the ones who will go to heaven when this old world is done for.

Her name was Gladys. She was reared in West Tennessee. She was a tall, slender brunette, with perfect skin and a natural beauty that Merle Norman would kill for. Obedient and respectful of her parents, Gladys was the perfect daughter. She loved old people, and would rather go to church services than any other place she could think of. She was brilliant in school, and a whiz at math. There were very few "B's" on any report card Gladys ever brought home.

She was a hard worker - always helping her mother in the kitchen and around the house. Gladys was good with money. She knew a true bargain when she saw one, and was excellent at managing a checkbook and a savings account.

More than these things, Gladys had a true, godly heart. She was loyal to the young man she married, and was his ideal companion for all of their years together. No greater woman could have been found to stand by a man and help him through life.

God wrote about Gladys many years before she was born. Her story can be found in the Old Testament book of Proverbs. Chapter Thirty-one (31). Beginning about Verse Ten (10).

This beautiful, intelligent, loyal, and uniquely godly woman was also naturally funny. Perhaps one of the funniest people ever. Part of her innate humor stemmed from her roots. Her, "blonde roots." She was not "dumb," in any sense of the term. But, Gladys was genuinely innocent, and hilariously funny. She didn't need a script, nor a rehearsal. By just being herself, Gladys could bring profound laughter and joy to any and all who crossed her path.

And, she did.

When she was a teenager, Gladys and her Mom were washing the evening dishes on a particular Thursday. As she dried for her mother, she noticed something unusual in the pasture adjoining the property of their country home. Two cows, actually a bull and a heifer, were mating. Gladys had never seen this before. She pointed out the window and, in an excited tone, said, "Mama, look, those two cows are fighting!" When her mother looked out the window, she blushed and said, "GLADYS!!"

Back in the 1970's, actress Gene Stapleton's portrayal of television sit-com character, "Edith Bunker," was that of the classic ditz, or "ding-bat," as her screen husband Archie often referred to her. Like Edith, Gladys was more innocent and pure-of-heart than dumb. On the show, "All In The Family," whenever Edith had misunderstood something, at the instant she finally "got it", with a far-away gaze, she would mutter an exaggerated, "Ohhhhh!"

This was Gladys' reaction when it finally dawned on her what the two cows were really doing.

Gladys was not a traveler, as some people are. Her husband traveled a good bit during his professional life. Sometimes, he was able to take Gladys and their children along. These trips often became working vacations. The crowning journey among these was a two week "assignment" in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Gladys and their children loved Hawaii. It was a paradise teeming with unique and memorable things. During their two weeks there, Gladys and her family went sight-seeing, snorkeled, sun-bathed on the beach, attended a luau, shopped, and enjoyed an array of touristy adventures. During their car time, Gladys' husband was the driver and she was the navigator. This was before the days of satellite technology and the GPS (Global Positioning System). With map in hand, she was her family's G(ladys) P(ositioning) S(ystem).

As they drove through the beautiful streets, highways and avenues of Oahu, Gladys would call out the names of the upcoming thoroughfares and intersections. The trouble with this "GPS" was that of a West Tennessee girl attempting to pronounce thickly Polynesian names and terms.

For instance, the highway named after King Kamehameha (pronounced, "Kah-may-ah-may-ah") came out as, "King Kamey-Hamey-Hah" (GPS pronunciation, "Kay-Mee-Hay-Mee-Hah"). The beautiful, Hanauma Bay Beach became, "Yo-Mama Bay." And, one of the main traffic arteries across Oahu, Route 63, otherwise known as the Likelike Highway (properly pronounced "Lee-Kee-Lee-Kee"), was forever changed to a pronunciation matching its letter configuration ("Like"-"Like"). At the end of their two week stay in the islands, her family suggested that she author a new book, "Gladys' Polynesian Pronunciations." It would have sold well all across Western Tennessee.    

Gladys was a helpful soul. She was always willing to go the second mile in order to make life easier for her neighbor. Just as God intended for Eve to be for Adam, Gladys was a "helper" to her husband. She always kept his clothes washed and ironed, their house maintained as an immaculate example of cleanliness, and his meals and other essentials hot, ready, and johnny-on-the-spot.

Once, as they were traveling home after a weekend at her mother's, they stopped at a convenience store for a fill-up. Gladys stayed in the car while her husband pumped the gas. Not realizing that this was a "pay-before-you-pump" establishment, Gladys noticed her husband walking into the convenience store. "That's odd," she thought, "it sure didn't take him long to pump that gas." In reality, her husband had tried to begin pumping the gas before he saw the, "pay-first," decal on the gas pump. Gladys did not know that the pump nozzle was still hanging in the gasoline port on the side of their vehicle.

It was a bone-chilling, cold day, and Gladys thought it might be good if her husband didn't have to make the long trek back to the car. So, she slid over into the driver's seat, cranked up the car, put it gear and mashed the accelerator. She thought, "That's odd, this thing doesn't want to 'GO' for some reason." So, she, "gunned it."

Gladys' husband was still standing in the cash register line when he heard the convenience store clerk exclaim, "Look at that woman, she has pulled the gas pump clean off the island!" "Mr. Gladys," looked up, and to his horror and disbelief saw his wife, now at the wheel of their car, circling the parking lot and heading for the front door of the convenience store - innocently dragging an entire gas pump behind her.

Gladys cried when her husband ran out and explained what she had done. She cried even harder when she realized that this was why the car "resisted" as she tried to pull away from the gas pump. Her husband held her, smiled, and wiped her tears away.

"I'm SO dumb!" she tearfully said. They laughed.

"No, honey," her husband replied, "you're not dumb...Anyone could have made the same mistake."

Yes, anyone could have made the same mistake. But, Gladys made it in such an innocent, precious, and heavenly way. No one else could have done it this way. Except, perhaps, Edith Bunker herself.

That's one of the many reasons why this writer loves his precious wife so very, very much.

"Well I'll be John Brown"

- David Decker
  February 12, 2011